I used to try and hide all of my secrets, and the junk in my life that made me appear weak.  I always struggled to appear confident and sure of myself, and when if that failed, I would be sure to laugh and make fun of myself before anyone else had a chance to. Seemed to take the sting off of rejection a bit.  Any of you ever do that?

Now days, I am much freer in opening up my life to people, am much more transparent.  In many ways, doing this has been very liberating….I hardly ever stress anymore about whether or not people are going to discover something awful about me that I was trying to diligently to hide.  I try to make sure that my personal and public lives are as identical as possible, and that people know what they are getting then they meet me in different settings and circumstances.

The apostle Paul wrote that he boasted in his weaknesses, because of the glory it gave Christ and how it showed His great strength.   Recognizing our weaknesses is all about facing reality, what we are and what we aren’t, and acknowledging the broken pieces in us that need divine healing.  It also aids in freeing us from judging others, and when something amazing happens in life, it’s alot harder to take credit for it and be prideful, especially when our brokenness is known to many.

However, the honest truth is that revealing your weaknesses to the world can often come back to bite you, be used against you, or be skewed completely out of proportion.  Boasting in weaknesses then becomes not a “happy do da day!  I’m nothing and Jesus is so amazing and isn’t this wonderful?” kind of boasting, but more of a sacrificial, “I will speak out about my brokenness for the glory of God and good of others no matter how painful it becomes and what treatment may come my way” sort of revealing of oneself.

I know, because I’ve been there.  I’ve had honest information that I revealed about myself in good faith turned against me, exaggerated….I’ve been stigmatized by people.  I’ve been labeled.  I’ve been betrayed.

When this happens, it is so tempting to shut down, close up my heart, and no longer offer my real self to anyone for inspection.  Some of the worst things in life are to be manipulated, misunderstood, and stereotyped.    I’ve come so close to vowing to wear a facade the rest of my life, suck it up in public, and reveal noting of my inner self to people.  I’m tired of being hurt and misunderstood and accused.

But, Jesus steps into these kinds of hurts.  And in the midst of my pain and hurt he orchestrates magic…encounters with people that we need and they need us and nothing would ever result from these encounters had we not ripped the stitches out of our raw hearts, and open up ourselves for them to see inside.    While some see the oozing, bloody mess of our brokenness, they won’t understand and will judge us incorrectly.  But when Jesus sets up the encounter, the other person sees those oozing, bloody messes, is able to see past them and finds evidence of healing, hope, freedom, and grace in Jesus.

Those encounters make it all worth it to me.  Let a thousand people judge me wrongly if one person can see how Jesus is making me strong in the broken places.  If I am rejected by many because of my weaknesses, so be it, if one person is able to find restoration in Jesus because of them.

Seeking to fully live,

Well, I either got your attention with that title, or you snorted, thinking to yourself “Why would I ever tell a stranger, let alone that Discovering Jubilee girl, things I’ve never told anyone else?”

I’m only half kidding with my title.

You don’t necessarily need to tell me your deep, dark secrets,  but may I suggest that you find a safe person that you trust, and tell them?

I’ll be there first to admit that I’ve had my share of closet skeletons that I did not want anyone to know about.  These ranged from the fear of going to the gynecologist for the first time because “God forbid, they might discover that I’m a girl down there”, to abuse that I suffered as a child, to mental issues and irrational fears, to compulsive behaviors that I haven’t seem to be able to rid myself of.

You know what I’m talking about…though they may differ, we all have these secrets.  We stuff them down, trying to pretend they don’t exist and praying to God that no one will find us out.

Can I let you in on another little secret?  When we bring our hidden burdens to the light, reveal what we don’t want to admit, and expose pain, hurt, lies, and illness….freedom comes.

The funny thing is, Satan has us believing that if we reveal the broken pieces of our lives to others, we will be rejected, ostracized, humiliated.  In fact, the opposite is almost always true.  When a flashlight is shined on the boogeyman, he doesn’t seem nearly so big.

The Bible says that where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  The Lord is the truth, wants us to walk in truth, and walk in the freedom that comes with it.  The first step to getting there is to stop hiding our secrets.

Disclaimer:  I am not advocating information vomit.  You know, where you go to the wrong person or at the wrong time and just puke out your whole story with no boundaries or discretion.  I’m talking about talking to a safe person or a counselor and finally getting those burdens off your chest.

In my own experiences I’ve learned that once you tell that big dark secret, a weight is lifted, and suddenly it doesn’t seem so big anymore.  In fact, the more you tell your secret stories to people, the easier it gets, and before you know it…….Someone comes up to you and says “Oh thank you so much for sharing that.  I have the same secret and was so afraid to tell anyone.  I’m so glad I’m not alone!”  Trust me, it will happen.  If you don’t believe that anyone can top your secret, go watch some reality series on TLC…they feature people who have some of the weirdest quirks of any people I’ve ever seen.

Jesus wants each of us to be whole, and strong at the broken places, as Hemingway wrote.  However, to be truly whole we must step into the light….completely, our secrets and all.  The great news is that Jesus takes those horrible secrets, and transforms us in spite of them, and then uses us to reach those who have suffered in the same ways.

So, if you are carrying a secret that is so heavy and burdensome, or you have a foul skeleton that you are terrified people will find out about, reveal it, and revel in the freedom that comes when we hand those secrets to Jesus and allow him to carry the shame away.

Seeking to fully live,

Linking up at:

We’ve all heard the analogy concerning God’s will for our lives using the idea of closed doors versus open doors that we can walk right through.  Recently, I have decided that there is yet another kind of door that fits into this metaphor:  a glass storm door.

I know, you’re already thinking: “Julie, you’re taking this a little far.”  But, bear with me…I can explain.

I tend to hear from God fairly tangibly through specific verses that he gives me.  It feels rather extraordinary to me, but I’ll spare you the pain of having to read all that I write to explain alot of background and how I know that God is speaking to me in those ways.

Nevertheless, not long ago, I was given a pretty big promise from God through an Old Testament passage.  (If you don’t believe God speaks that way, just keep reading….I still have a point that may be relevant).  In my excitement about receiving this promise, I thought I saw an open door!  Yay for open doors!  Through the door, I was able to see so many good things for my future, and real purpose that I crave on a daily basis.  So, with this new found vision and apparently no obstacles in my way, I jumped up and sprinted…..squarely into a glass storm door.

Ok, so you’ve all seen the commercials from Windex where the guy who is asleep in his recliner jumps up, and runs straight into his glass sliding door, not realizing that his wife had just cleaned it, and so it appeared open.  Funny for the person watching, not funny for the person who now has a bloody nose.

So, what happened, you ask, and where are you going with this?

My point is this:  obviously there are locked doors that we are determined to bang our heads against, hoping that God will open, so that we can go down the path that we think will bring us the most fulfillment and be his will.  Then, there are the open doors where God is clearly saying, “This way!  Walk ye in it.”  When we’re smart, we hurry on through when we see one of those doors.

However, I think God gives us storm doors as well.  He allows us to see a glimpse into the future, and his path for us, but he doesn’t let us walk through yet.  There is a barrier set between us and that “thing” and if we run into it just as we do locked doors, it gets rather painful.

Why would God do this?  In my case I’m pretty sure it was because he knows how important understanding purpose and my point in life are.  I’ve been rather discouraged of late….OK, bordering absolute despair…so, in his mercy, he gave me a tiny glimpse of what he is training me for.  The part that I didn’t pay attention to was that he was also asking me to wait, learn the lessons he is currently trying to teach me, and pray for the fulfillment of those promises he gave me.

That’s not what I did…I took things into my own hands, put words in his mouth, and decided specifically what those promises would play out like in real life.    I didn’t wait on his timing, and by running after that vision (which is perfectly good and noble in itself), I ended up bruised, bloody, and stressed beyond belief.

From someone who has been there, please take my advice….when you see an open door, make sure there’s not glass or a screen in front before you take off through it.  The consequences that result will thank you.  When God gives you a promise, a vision…..seek his timing, and wait for him to reveal his blueprint without trying to draw your own.

How about you?  Can anybody relate to my storm door experience?

Seeking to fully live,

In my last post, I attached brain scans that showed some of the interesting things going on in my brain.  I went to the Amen Clinic after years of frustration, trying to figure out the proper diagnoses for all the emotional, mental, and physical symptoms I was having.  At the point of desperation and feeling hopeless that things were ever going to get better, I found out about the possibility of empirically determining what isn’t working right in my head.

The good news?  I now have colorful, pretty pictures that show which areas of my brain are working correctly, which areas are overactive, and which areas are under-active. Thanks to an extensive brain scan database, the doctors from the Amen Clinic could pretty definitively identify accurate diagnoses.

The bad news?  While I now have names for what is wrong with me, fixing those problems isn’t so easy.  Furthermore, I have no guarantee that the problems will ever be completely fixed.  The process of finding the right solutions and treatments is exhausting, and when each attempt fails in some way, it is very disheartening.

A fellow student in a graduate class I am taking reminded me in a discussion board the other day that we are not our pathology.

I had to stop and think about this for a while.  With mental health issues, it feels so often as though my identity is wrapped up in what I present outwardly, even if it’s not what I want to present.  For example, cancer patients or people with other chronic illnesses usually don’t have bad behavior held against them, because it is obvious to others that they have some physical pain or sickness they are dealing with.  It isn’t that cut and dry when dealing with our minds.  People who struggle with mental malfunctions aren’t typically offered as much grace by others.  This can be really painful for me, and I’ve talked to so many women who feel the same way.

Bu the truth is, my identity is in Christ.   Any brain misfires on my part do not tell the true story of who I am, and my brain issues are just a symptom of being alive in a fallen, broken world.

Jesus isn’t limited by what is wrong with me in the way he works through me, and he isn’t limited in what he can do despite what may be wrong with you.

Are you neurotic?  That’s not the REAL you.  Do you have cancer?  That doesn’t define you.  Are you unorganized or socially awkward or struggling with some disability?  Who cares what the world pins on you, how they label you?

In Jesus, you are whole, perfect, clean, armed with everything you need to succeed, and awaiting a bright future.  He can see past the pathology that everyone else gets stuck on, inside to the real, true YOU.  That’s worth rejoicing in!

Seeking to fully live,

For all of you people out there who have always known that something wasn’t right with me upstairs, and couldn’t quite put your finger on it….well, I’ve finally uploaded the empirical evidence that will put your mind at ease….you were in fact correct.

Below are the SPECT brain images I had taken this past summer at the Amen clinic in Virginia. The kinks in treating my issues aren’t worked out yet, but at least I can attach more definitive names and pictures to the obtuse functioning of my brain.

A 3D shot and EEG from a healthy brain at rest.

In the first EEG (the blue scans), the red and white areas show activity. While at rest, my brain is overactive in some areas, and underactive in others. While concentrating, you can see that the white all but disappears, which is a classic sign of ADD. So, when I try to concentrate, things get worse rather than better. The colored two photos are different ways of looking at what is going on.  The are 3D representations of thousands of views of brain slices put together to form an image.  A healthy brain will look smooth…mine in both pics looks a little gnarly, and there are some holes in the scan where I am concentrating (bottom colored photo).  These indicate activity gaps.

So what do these scans tell you?  Well, these, along with a bunch of psychological inventories they reveal that I have a mood disorder, pretty severe ADD (not hyperactivity), improver activity levels in about four different areas of my brain, and possible slight brain trauma or PTSD.  Who knew?

At the same time of these scans, my pulmonologist diagnosed me with narcolepsy, which didn’t surprise my Amen clinic doctor…she said the bumpiness of my 3D scans were indicative of a sleep disorder.    These scans are pretty interesting pots of information, in my opinion.

So, what now?  Well, at least now I know of alot of factors that have made me so tired, so irritable, so depressed, so unmotivated…why it’s so hard to concentrate or get organized, and maybe why I get migraines.    And, perhaps, it finally reveals a glimpse into why I have nystagmus (come one people, you all know that if you’ve met me you get wigged out when my eyes move crazy fast uncontrollably…just admit it). 

Well, there you have it.  More dirt on me.    And finally, that verification that you aren’t crazy for thinking that I might just be crazy.

However, to give a sneak peak into my next post….I may have a messed up brain that misfires occasionally, but that does not define me.  Nor do your issues define you.

Seeking to fully live,