2012 June — Discovering Jubilee

Abstaining From Big Screen Love Stories?

I’m considering ceasing the majority of my movie watching.

It’s not good for my heart, and doesn’t seem too helpful for marriage either.

Why am I thinking about this? It’s not like I watch alot of smut as it is…I’m pretty choosy these days with the content that I allow my eyes to see. However, I’m finding that my diligence in viewing boundaries hasn’t really done the trick.

“How?” you ask.

Well, let me answer by backing up a bit. Doesn’t it seem a bit “coincidental” that the country with a robust movie industry also has a 50% divorce rate? I don’t think movies themselves are inherently bad, but here in America we seem to only want to watch movies that have some sort of romantic story or subplot, and usually it involves gratuitous love scenes. I can hardly find a movie these days that doesn’t have some sort of him and her action going on.

I used to think that movies with a little romance were harmless, especially if they left the sex out. However, after being married for seven years, I’m starting to have a different opinion regarding movies, and alot of fiction books (I hardly read any romance novels, for good reason). Here’s why.

1. Movies are made up…the writers are in control of the characters and how they behave. Unfortunately, we (ahem, especially women) tend to forget how unrealistically alot of people are portrayed in films. In real life, men don’t remain mysterious, romantic all the time, always thoughtful, in great shape, meeting our every need. My own life has proven to me how easy it is to enter marriage with unrealistic expectations embedded in you towards how you think your husband should be on a constant basis. When reality sets in, it can be rather disappointing.

2. Entertaining ourselves with the love stories in movies sets our husbands up for failure. Come on, what man can compete with Jude Law in Cold Mountain, Mel Gibson in Braveheart, or countless other characters throughout movie history. Even Jude Law and Mel Gibson can’t live up to the characters they’ve played. Yet, we expect those shining qualities to appear in our husbands. Isn’t the way we women cling to romance in movies similar to how men approach pornography? We seek after something that isn’t real or lasting, too. Oh come on, you know it’s true; otherwise the romantic comedy genre would not be as big as it is now. Furthermore, how would we feel if our husbands constantly compared us in every way to their favorite female actress? We would immediately feel justified in calling them jerks, yet we are more than willing to put burdens on them that they weren’t meant to carry.

3. We’re mistaken in our understanding of what love really is. It’s not a feeling, it’s an act. However, as a culture, we are quick to let go of commitments when the fuzzy feeling is gone or the spark of excitement eludes us. We commit to wars and then get angry when we are engaged too long and we are tired of them, we save money from our paychecks for about 5 seconds, we can’t seem to stay married for the long haul…I could come out with tons of examples of how quickly we in America throw in the towel. Love and marriage aren’t always climactic and then wrapped up nicely in a couple of hours. They are often messy, hard, and require alot of effort, commitment, and “love” to stay in. The movies of today seem to make us forget these things.

I’m not exceptionally enthusiastic about drastically curbing what movies I watch. I love romantic comedies and dramas…I enjoy my chick flick time…I like seeing “happily ever after” stories. However, I’ve come to realize that my original definition of “happily ever after” was far from realistic. Much closer to the truth are movies like Fireproof and Courageous, and sometimes marriages don’t even work out like that.

Ultimately, it is less painful for me to stop dreaming of being married to a Colin Firth Mr. Darcy kind of guy, and better if I embrace who I am married to, flaws and all. Unlike the fleeting love of Hollywood, I can trust my husband to stick to his vows, provide for his family, and be there when I get up in the morning. He helps me out in so many ways and loves our little boys tremendously. I want to be extremely careful that I don’t continue to take those things for granted by selfishly putting the burden on him to be the perfect man. I need ALOT of grace, and want to be willing to offer that same grace to him.

How about you? Any thoughts on watching seemingly harmless movies? Or, how has ceasing to watch most movies helped your marriage?

Seeking to fully live,

Cerebral Series Part 3: The Apostle Paul and Neuroscience

The apostle Paul was surprisingly ahead of his time when it came to neuroscience. Pretty good for someone who had never seen a brain scan or ran a qEEG.

2 Corinthians 10:5

New International Version (NIV)

⁵We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

I didn’t pay a whole lot of attention to this passage until recently. Of course, I had read it countless times, but I had an underlying belief that I really had no control over my thoughts, a mindset that set me up for feeling guilty alot and powerless to change. Come on, you know the thoughts I’m talking about….those horrendous beasts that show up out of nowhere and make you feel like an awful person, the thoughts you would be mortified to have anyone know about! OK, if you don’t have them, then either you’re lying or Satan doesn’t mess with you.

I’ve come to realize that all of my thoughts don’t necessarily originate with me. Of course, exposing myself to junk will provide prime fodder for the Enemy to work with, but lots of times he slips thoughts into my mind that I did not choose to think.

However, what I choose to do with those thoughts or any other thoughts that I did choose to think makes all the difference, and Paul recognized this. What Paul didn’t know, scientifically speaking, is how we can influence the neural pathways that are formed in our minds. For example, remember this passage? (yes, I realize that we don’t know for certain who the author of Hebrews was, but work with me here!:

Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. Hebrews 12:15

Have you ever met anyone who just grew really bitter over time? Maybe when you first met them they seemed happy enough, but something happened that they got stuck on, and it seemed to eat and eat away at them until they became uncomfortable to be around? This happens when we aren’t diligent in rooting out thoughts that don’t belong in our minds and hand them to Jesus, when we choose to act on those thoughts instead of forgive. Gradually, our brain chemistry changes to reflect what we are thinking, and those chemistry changes then affect us negatively, creating a vicious cycle.

Dr. Daniel Amen describes these kinds of degenerative thought processes in Change Your Brain, Change Your Life. While he doesn’t attribute any of these intruding thoughts to Satan, he does state how damaging they can be to relationships and our minds when we don’t deal with them properly. For example, when our mind is overwhelmed with negative thoughts, our limbic system (the part of the brain controlling mood) can be affected, creating depression, anxiety, and irritability. However, if you are constantly letting happy, positive thoughts invade your mind, the limbic system is cooled off, resulting in a better mood. Which leads to another connection from Paul to neuroscience:

New International Version (©1984)
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things. Philippians 4:8

Obviously God hardwired our bodies to respond positively to truth and goodness. Besides just monitoring our thoughts as a means of righteous living, it’s just good self care. Every part of our bodies are affected by what we think, which is why Amen and others suggest that we often have physical symptoms such as headaches or stomachaches when we get upset.

Paul was really on to something here….taking our thoughts to Jesus really is important, and it’s not just so we can avoid feeling guilty. While we can try to deal with negative thoughts on our own, only Jesus can replace the lies we believe with real truth. When we try to fix ourselves by ourselves,we are subject to our neuroses and sin that we get entangled in; Jesus alone is the ultimate restorer and protector of our minds.

Maybe people who lived before the Renaissance and Industrial Age really weren’t as ignorant as we often think.

Seeking to fully live,